The Epic of Failure

Just a warning before I begin this post. Which shouldn't be taken to the extreme.

*Coarse language, disturbing scenes, and nudity/partial nudity/sexual content/sexual themes start soon*

In English class, we're doing... LITERATURE CIRCLES!!!!! Such a wonderful concept. Almost as good as JIGSAW LEARNING!!!! (Hopefully you can detect my EXTREMELY sarcastic tone because I am using very FLAMBOYANT and ANNOYING CAPITALIZATION!!!! [And several exclamation points.])

But no. That's not what this is going to be about. Within these lit circles, we're analyzing an ancient story called The Epic of Gilgamesh, which is the oldest piece of literature to be written down. It is also the WORST piece of literature ever to be written down. Honestly.

*Coarse language, disturbing scenes, and nudity/partial nudity/sexual content/sexual themes start here*

Apparently, this stupid piece of shit is a "first year university" approved study. Over sixty pages of pure BS is what we have to write responses and summaries to. Honestly, a four year old can learn to copy and paste the same damn sentences over and over again, altering one word at a time.

I don't care if my judgmental attitude seems too harsh for the first of written stories. If something is bad, IT'S BAD. Let's take a look, shall we?

When the gods created Gilgamesh they gave him a perfect body. Shamash the glorious sun endowed him with beauty, Adad the god of the storm endowed him with courage, the great gods made his beauty perfect, surpassing all others, terrifying like a great wild bull.

Rule number one when it comes to good narratives: YOU DO NOT MAKE PERFECT CHARACTERS. Period. End of story. But wait, there's more.

Gilgamesh went abroad in the world, but he met with none who could withstand his arms till he came to Uruk [which is the world's first city and that which he is king of]. But the men of Uruk muttered in their houses, 'Gilgamesh sounds the tocsin [a warning bell] for his amusement, his arrogance has no bounds by day or night. No son is left with his father, for Gilgamesh takes them all, even the children; yet the king should be a shepherd to his people. His lust leaves no virgin to her lover, neither the warrior's daughter nor the wife of the noble; yet this is the shepherd of the city, wise, comely [which means attractive], and resolute.'

Rule number two when it comes to good narratives: YOU DO NOT MAKE PERFECT PROTAGONISTS THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL HATE. Well, this one isn't completely true. I suppose you could make a main character that the audience hates, just for the effect. It would probably be pretty unique in some ways. BUT DON'T FUCKING MAKE THEM PERFECT. NO, NO, NO.

Nothing ever gets better in this story. To spare you from having to read through rather Old English, I'll summarize for a bit. So the gods hear the laments of the citizens, and then they go to the god of Uruk (the city) to ask for help. Then he goes and asks yet another god for help, and now you can see what he says...

'You made him [referring to Gilgamesh],... ...now create his equal; let it be as like him as his own reflection, his second self, stormy heart for stormy heart. Let them contend together and leave Uruk in quiet.'

Great. Just GREAT. So now we have two perfect protagonists running around in this very interesting world, both flawed in their perfection in the exact same way.

Rule number three: YOU DO NOT MAKE TWO OF THE EXACT SAME CHARACTER. Oh, but wait. His clone, Enkidu, is actually a "wild" man. He eats "grass in the hills with the gazelle" and lurks "with the wild beasts at the water-holes". (That soon changes...)

Okay, let's stop talking about the characters for a bit, and focus on the writing. My, my. There seems to be quite a bit of REPETITION going on here. Compare:

'Gilgamesh sounds the tocsin for his amusement, his arrogance has no bounds by day or night. No son is left with his father, for Gilgamesh takes them all, even the children; yet the king should be a shepherd to his people. His lust leaves no virgin to her lover, neither the warrior's daughter nor the wife of the noble; yet this is the shepherd of the city, wise, comely, and resolute.'

Now remember those sentence structures and words. Here's the next line.

The gods heard their lament, the gods of heaven cried to the Lord of Uruk, to Anu the god of Uruk:

I'm sorry. But I had to stop it there. Already, you can see what I mean. GODS. GODS. URUK. GOD. URUK. Let's get back to it:

'A goddess made him, strong as a savage bull, none can withstand his arms. No son is left with his father, for Gilgamesh takes them all; and is this the king, the shepherd of his people? His lust leaves no virgin to her lover, neither the warrior's daughter nor the wife of the noble.'

Deja vu? Hmmm...

Rule number four: YOU DON'T REPEAT THE SAME SENTENCES OVER AND OVER JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN.

Possibly the best example of repetition in the book (I've only read the first four chapters) also happens to be one full of what was obviously the author's sexual fantasies. WHY THE HELL WAS IT REPEATED FOUR TIMES? You don't need to know the context of these passages. Just know that the author managed to fit them all in one and a half novel-sized pages.

[Father addressing his son] '...in Uruk lives Gilgamesh; no one has ever prevailed against him, he is strong as a star from heaven. Go to Uruk, find Gilgamesh, extol the strength of this wild man, Ask him to give you a harlot [I'll assume you know what that is], a wanton from the temple of love; return with her, and let her woman's power overpower this man [Enkidu]. When next he comes down to drink at the wells she will be there, stripped naked; and when he sees her beckoning he will embrace her, and then the wild beasts will reject him.'

'Trapper [referring to the son], go back, take with you a harlot, a child of pleasure. At the drinking-hole she will strip, and when he sees her beckoning he will embrace her and the game of the wilderness will surely reject him.'

 [Son is addressing the harlot] 'There he is. Now, woman, make your breasts bare, have no shame, do not delay but welcome his love. Let him see you naked, let him possess your body. When he comes near uncover yourself and lie with him; teach him, the savage man, your woman's art, for when he murmurs love to you the wild beasts that shared his life in the hills will reject him.'

[Now the narrator gets to describe it] She was not ashamed to take him, she made herself naked and welcomed his eagerness; as he lay on her murmuring love she taught him the woman's art. For six days and seven nights they lay together, for Enkidu had forgotten his home in the hills; but when he was satisfied he went back to the wild beasts. Then, when the gazelle saw him, they bolted away; when the wild creatures saw him they fled.

Awww... You poor thing. Had sex with a prostitute for... what was it? Oh, six days and seven nights, and then got ditched by your wild, furry friends. Boohoo...

Rule number five: YOU DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE SEX FOR SIX DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS. Unless, of course, you want us to mock him the next day in class when everyone is like, "What the hell am I reading?" Sample some more of the glory:

'...you shall look at him well in his radiant manhood.'

 Does that NOT sound completely wrong? When I first read it, I thought it said "you shall look at well his radiant manhood" which means something COMPLETELY different, though with the four quotes above, I wouldn't be surprised if that was actually implicated...

Rule number six: MAKE YOUR SENTENCES COMPLETELY CLEAR IN MEANING.

The final critical comment I will make (I could go on forever; that was only the prologue and three quarters of chapter one.) is how stereotypically masculine (and therefore stereotypically simple, macho, and stupid) the author makes male characters *cough Enkidu cough Gilgamesh cough* in the chapter one finale.

Enkidu stepped out [of the house], he stood in the street and blocked the way. Mighty Gilgamesh came on and Enkidu met him at the gate. He put out his foot and prevented Gilgamesh from entering the house, so they grappled, holding each other like bulls. They broke the doorposts and the walls shook, they snorted like bulls locked together. They shattered the doorposts and the walls shook. Gilgamesh bent his knee with his foot planted on the ground and with a turn Enkidu was thrown. Then immediately his fury died. When Enkidu was thrown he said to Gilgamesh, 'There is not another like you in the world. Ninsun, who is as strong as a wild ox in the byre, she was the mother who bore you, and now you are raised above all men, and Enlil has given you the kingship, for your strength surpasses the strength of men.' So Enkidu and Gilgamesh embraced and their friendship was sealed.

Apart from being a great example of repetition, this wonderful paragraph also shows us that the author has somewhat of a horned beast fetish. Which is fine, but did we really need to know that? I swear, I've seen ox and bull used on at least three other separate occasions to describe both males and females. If I didn't know better, I'd say that this is where the definition of "horny" came from.

P.S. We find out immediately after that their "friendship" being sealed meant Enkidu becoming Gilgamesh's slave in the next chapter.

P.P.S. We find them holding hands while sleeping together on top of a mountain a bit later on.

P.P.P.S. *Spoiler alert* (As if you cared). When Enkidu is about to die, Gilgamesh strips beside his death bed. Why we need to know that remains a mystery to everyone, though I guess Enkidu wanted to 'see Gil's radiant manhood' one last time.

P.P.P.P.S. Gilgamesh has a secret talent: poetry. Take a look at some snippets of this awesome thing. ([-] signifies next line, which I can't seem to force inside a quote. Silly Blogger.)

'Hear me, great ones of Uruk, [-] I weep for Enkidu, my friend, [-], Bitterly moaning like a woman mourning [-] I weep for my brother. O Enkidu, my brother [-]...

... The wild ass and the gazelle [-] That were father and mother [doesn't that line sound so empathetic?]...

...Weep for you. [-] All the people of Eridu [-] Weep for you Enkidu. [What delightful rhyming!]

P.P.P.P.P.S. Ok, I've got to stop now. Or else I'll bore you all to death with criticism. If I haven't already.

*Coarse language, disturbing scenes, and nudity/partial nudity/sexual content/sexual themes end here*

On a completely different and random note, my PHE teacher looks a bit like Jake Gyllenhaal. He has his eyes. And eyebrows. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe not.