Telephone Obsession

Your fingers hover over the numbers, hesitating just a second, preparing yourself for what you will say when he picks up.

If he says “hello”, I will say “hello” too. If he says “hi” however, I will act casually and say “hey, what’s up?” And if he says none of the above, I will simply say “hi”, and… well, I’ll have to think about it as I go.

You begin to dial. Meanwhile you ponder over what you will talk about.

I think he likes cars… or was it trucks? Maybe animals too – I swear he mentioned them last time… wait, did he say he loved or hated the Painted Ensatina salamander? Yes, maybe I will ask him that. The weather is always a last resort.

The line rings once.

I’ve always hated the annoyingly plain ringing of phones as I wait endlessly for someone to pick up. Chinese people are so smart for installing songs as their ringtones; giving people something to listen to while they wait! But then again, that gets boring after a while too… too similar to elevator music.

The line rings a second time.

So when I’ve said what I need to, I’ll simply hang up. No wait – I’ll wait for him to ask me to dinner first. If he says Mexican, Chinese, sushi, or fast food though, I’ll have to say I’m busy…doing what? Hmm – I need a good excuse. Anything else will be fine though.

While you think this over, the line rings a third and fourth time.

Shoot! What if he isn’t home? This is my last chance to talk to him before going on vacation… and who knows what will happen while I’m gone? Well, if he’s not home, I can always leave a message. Or text him. Or send him an e-mail. But what if he’s not one of those people who check their e-mails daily? Maybe a Facebook message? I think I’ll just go with all of them, just in case.

Glancing down at the number, you realize with sudden horror that you accidentally dialled a 6 instead of a 4. Your brain screams to just hang up now!, but it is too late: you hear a click, signalling someone has just picked up. You can’t hang up now because it’d be very rude, and perhaps the person will have caller ID and call you back to scream at you for hanging up at them, and then you will have to deal with an angry person, which is never fun.

“Hellooooo?” You detect a strong Asian accent. You start breaking out in a cold sweat. This was not anything you had planned for. It is too late to hang up now though, but your brain seems to have temporarily frozen.

“HELLOOOO? EEZ ENYONE THAYRE?” That snaps you out of your terrified trance. Whoever picked up has gotten very impatient in the span of exactly 4.376 seconds. Perhaps you just woke them from their afternoon nap. Maybe they were just coming home, heard the phone, and rushed to it, dropping all their groceries in a heap in the foyer. Maybe their cat had just died and–

FOCUS. SAY YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER AND HANG UP. Seems part of your brain was capable of thinking coherently.

“I’m… s-s-sorry, I-I… dialled the wrong… n-n-number.” You manage to stammer out, before slamming the off button, not giving the receiving end a chance to reply.

Great; now I’ve probably offended them. What was I thinking, cutting them off like that? Even worse, what if they think I was a telemarketer? Those bastards – I simply cannot have them thinking of me like that… maybe I’ll call them to apologize or something. Let’s see… what shall I say first?