CHALLENGE 1: Paris Hilton Rant

As you all know, I’ve been M.I.A. for quite a long time now, mainly because of my issue with WRITER’S BLOCK. Halalcohol has given me a challenge and I have accepted it to clear my head, so I will continue posting on GU after this message.

THE CHALLENGE: Write something about Paris Hilton that includes five puns and have the number of words add up to a multiple of five.

Bring it on.

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Do I really have to say that our modern world is sinking lower and lower? First Nirvana, then the Jonas Brothers, then Justin Bieber invaded our radio stations and sang to us in creaky, glass-shattering voices until our eardrums bled. Then Hannah Montana took over the universe. It’s safe to say that some people appreciate these things and in fact look up to these so-called “role models”, even though they’re probably tainting little kids’ points of views every day of our lives. Think of the children!

Of course, my topic today isn’t Justin Bieber, nor Hannah Montana, but the incredibly beautiful, funny, and clever Paris Hilton, who spends her days filing her nails with diamonds and burying herself in money, and for what? She’s an heiress. An HEIRESS. She inherited money and now she’s rich.

Okay, good for her, but that doesn’t mean I have to like her. It also doesn’t mean she has to push and shove her way farther into the limelight than she actually is, by wearing outrageous outfits to red carpet galas and bringing one of her many small and hairless dogs around wherever she goes. Perhaps she enjoys prancing around in feathers and those ridiculous headbands (why are those trendy, anyway? They look like roadkill), but honestly, she definitely can afford to buy better.

I really hate those headbands. I’ve seen them on Taylor Swift, Mischa Barton, and Ashley Greene, but Paris Hilton seems to have the biggest and most expensive collection of all. They’re basically bedazzled elastic bands that go around your forehead with flowers, feathers, or pieces of fabric stuck to them. What I don’t understand is how many different types there are. Sure, I suppose braided headbands are acceptable once in a while, but something that looks like an animal is attacking your face isn’t good at all. I’ve seen her with a headband that featured two poofs of what appeared to be fur, surrounded by a double band. Is she wearing two, just in case one decides to take off and goes, “Oh, don’t wait up, I’ll go on ahead?” [PUN] You wouldn’t catch me dead in one of those.

She’s also extremely skinny. Why are all supermodels and famous celebrities stick-thin, borderline anorexic, except for whatever, er, surgical enhancements they may choose to have? It’s not like they can’t afford to eat once in a while. Just because they have a lot of money doesn’t mean they have to spend it all on Ferraris and emerald-studded dog collars and they can’t even have a cheeseburger or something. How’s that for food for thought? [PUN]

Strangely enough, Paris eventually realized (correctly) that doing nothing really wasn’t beneficial to her career, but “modeling”, “acting”, and “singing” aren’t exactly her strong points. Has anyone see Paris Hilton’s BFF on TV? Basically Paris is the queen of everything and she attempts to find a best friend that can “keep up with her” and “doesn’t want her just for her money”. If she doesn’t want a friend who’s just doing it for cash, then why the heck did she make a reality TV show about it? There’s also Paris Hilton’s British BFF, so no matter where she is, she can have fake friends all over the globe. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me. [PUN]

You don’t even want to hear about her music. [PUN] It sounds like a dying cat. Look up the YouTube video if you really want to and you’ll see. Her latest music video features her in a bikini dancing around by the pool and “singing”. Like Heidi Montag’s own summer vid, it is NOT “hot”. [DOUBLE PUN – Paris Hilton’s favourite line is, “That’s hotttt,” plus hot = summer]

You may think I’m being a little harsh here, and truthfully I’ve never met her in person, but from all the stuff I’ve heard, all the press and publicity, I don’t really think I’d want to. Who knows, though? You may just see me on her British BFF show one day… But mainly because I love the accents.

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PUNS – 6

WORDS – 675

I am ready for my next task.