Bad Advice

Dear Advice Columnist,

For the last few months, there's been this really annoying person who has a locker next to me. He doesn't respect my space at all! He opens the locker door ALL the way, so that I can't open mine. I have to wait for him to finish every morning, because when I ask him to stop, he doesn't listen to me and continues to block my locker. Sometimes, he insults me and purposefully steps into my space! And it's not only me he does this to. I've heard complaints from the (owner of the) locker on the other side of him. I don't want to physically force him away each time, because I don't think that will solve my problem.

I keep tolerating him when he pushes his door all the way open and drops his stuff right in front of my locker, and I keep asking him not to block mine, but he never listens. In fact, when I do, it makes it worse! What should I do? Talking to him doesn't seem to have any effect. How can I get him to respect my personal space?

Tired of Tolerating

Dear Tired,

I have known you for long enough to know when you are speaking too highly of yourself. Firstly, you have to respect the fact that you sometimes do become excessively violent (even if you do not think so yourself) and that this is not a very serious issue. I'm sure there are other things that bother you more than this, and that "locker space" is not a reasonable advice column topic. Second of all, I ask you to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are "flaming." How would you feel if you were being wrongly humiliated and insulted? So my advice is for you to keep your trap shut and your ideas to yourself.

Advice Column

The above was a writing piece we did in class, where we wrote letters to Advice Columnists, and they wrote back. I wrote the inquiry letter. Toothpick wrote the reply.

If you're wondering why his reply was so... unprofessional, it may have had to do with the fact that he was the one who kept blocking access to my locker. Personally, I find his response highly amusing. I don't think he understood that my problem was the fact that this person was so obnoxious and “un”respectful that I couldn't stand them anymore. Of course, I didn't dare use such offensive words in my letter, yet he thought

I was insulting him. How very sorry I am to hear that. Although, I did feel very special when he said that he knew me! How coincidental that I know the writer of a popular advice column!

The following are more of the letters we wrote, and the not-so-helpful responses our classmates gave back - of course, none were quite as rude or unprofessional as mine. I feel so unique.

Dear Expert,

Recently, this guy I know has been eyeing me strangely. He follows me around and keeps trying to wrap his arms around me. I'M a GUY too! He's been making me feel really uncomfortable and my friends call him words such as "fag" and "homo." Yesterday, he grabbed my hand and held on to it like we were having a relationship - in front of the whole class! I got laughed at by everyone. He didn't seem to mind, but I felt shameful on the inside. I’ve already tried telling him to stay away from me and that I wasn't interested, but it has no effect. He continues to harass me everyday. What should I do?

Straight Guy

Dear "Straight",

Go to someone like your parents. It may be embarrassing at first, but once this ordeal is settled, you and your partner will feel a lot better. Trust me on this, I'm a doctor.

Snail

Ph.D in engineering

P.S. Have you tried coming out of the closet?

_________

Dear Ask Me,

My friend needs help. She is a pyromaniac, and I think she enjoys hurting herself. Everyday after school, she goes home and lights candles. Lots and lots of candles. Then, she gathers them and sits on them. She tells me that it is calming, and that she doesn't feel any pain, but I don't believe her. I am afraid that she is going to burn herself and her house down. What should I tell her to get her to stop?

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

Clearly, your friend does not understand the dangers of her actions, so you must show her the consequences. Fill her room with carbon monoxide and wait for it to explode. After the incident is over, I guarantee she will never try to light candles again. If that doesn't work, subtly point out the dangers to her. Tell her that burning candles releases CO₂into the atmosphere, and describe graphic stories of historical sadists that burned people.

Ask Me! Advice

_________

Dear Expert,

I am an eighth grader at J.B. Tyrrell. There's this guy in my class who keeps sniffing my hoodie and trying to steal it from me. This is even more awkward because he is a guy, too. Please tell me how to get him to stop sniffing me and everyone else. It's creepy.

Help!

Creeped Out

Dear Creep,

Be a MAN! A man knows when to draw the line when his problem occurs. All you have to do is run away and hide in the girls' washroom whenever he approaches you. (Don't worry about the girls. They won't mind.) You can also try telling him firmly to stop, but that may not work in certain cases. Besides, why would a guy want to sniff your hoodie?! That is plain weird. Just be glad he isn't sniffing your socks or something.

Expert in Advice

Some of these were real problems, if not somewhat exaggerated, although a few were completely made up. At least now we know never to take the advice of our classmates! I sincerely hope that none of us actually did.

~Yaning